December 19, 2003

The weather outside is fair to middling

Filed under: Uncategorized — tomemos @ 1:41 pm

A couple notes from my holiday season (or, the Yule Blog):

–Went into a Wal-Mart for the first time, accompanying Karen as she bought a Christmas tree stand. There was just the massivest pile–more of a tower, really–of stick-on bows, occupying a 15-foot-tall cage. We decided that it’s where they dispose of the union leaders. The best part of the trip was that, as Karen picked out a stand, I got to ask, “Are you sure you don’t want to get an illuminated donkey this year?” There it was, in a clearly-labelled box–Illuminated Donkey. For nativity displays, I sorely hope.

–It’s always disconcerting around this time to see that the newspapers are talking about “last-minute shoppers” and the ads ask if we need to do any “last-minute shopping.” It’s disconcerting because I’ve basically done no shopping. What is this “last minute” crap? There’s like six days left. Once it’s December 23rd, that will be the “last minute.” (At that point I still will have done very little shopping.)

–After talking about my Christmas list crisis on this space last week, I have another killer idea: who wants to make an Imaginary Christmas list? It’s a list of gifts you want that don’t exist. They can be completely fantastical or they can be feasible but unavailable. The flagship item on mine: A special edition DVD of “Airplane,” which would just like the original movie except it doesn’t have Johnny, that annoying guy who I guess is supposed to be gay.



  1. But Johnny’s the best part.

    “And Leon’s getting L-L-L-Laaaaaaaaaaaarger.”

    Comment by AM — December 19, 2003 @ 1:53 pm

  2. (Wal*Mart for first time EVER? Where the hell have you been?)

    Well, i just now decided that one day i want to buy my roommates dozens of bottles of vodka, so that when people come to visit they see a lovely Christmas tree with gallons of Absolut beneath. Maybe a variety of brands. But all the same type of liquor. But since that’s only imaginary in the sense that it will never happen, not that it COULDN’T…

    I’d want a miniature farm set. I had one when i was a kid, but it was plastic. I want real tiny horses, real tiny pigs, real tiny farmer tending real tiny cornfield… Let’s say one of our inches to six of their feet. Even less than Lilliput. I think the animals would get used to me faster than the farmer and his doudy but weathered wife. Plus, when their citified grandkids came to visit, it wouldn’t be hard to get them there. I’d just go down the hall- they’re in Apartment 9.

    “Well, it’s big and round and white, it looks just like a big ole Aspirin!”


    Comment by Brian — December 19, 2003 @ 11:43 pm

  3. us jews get EIGHT imaginary dreamgifts! woohoo.
    btw kids grades are posted for fall term =)

    Comment by alex — December 20, 2003 @ 2:04 am

  4. You’d never been in Wal-Mart? And you’re a student?! How do students live without Wal-Mart?

    The Imaginary Christmas List sounds most nifty! I think I’ll ask for the first two Star Wars movies as they should have been (i.e. with a decent script, Haley Joel Osmont playing Anakin instead of whatshisface kid, and absolutely no sign of Jar Jar Binks). And I want a movie of Ender’s Game as directed by M. Night Shaylaman.

    Comment by Fae — December 21, 2003 @ 2:35 pm

  5. I’d want a treehouse. A really huge treehouse with multiple rooms and bridges leading from branch to branch. Oh, and a spiral staircase inside the trunk. And a little den among the roots.

    Comment by julie — December 22, 2003 @ 12:16 pm

  6. Well, above everything else, I want a transportation machine. So I could go anywhere at any moment without paying or airport security. I’m not sure how it would work, I’m not an engineer, just a dreamer. I also want a magic pot of mashed potatoes and an all-season dorm-sized strawberry patch. And something that could freeze time like Zach Morris used to do on Saved by the Bel by saying,”Time Out.” Yeah…that’s the ticket…

    Comment by Cimorene — December 22, 2003 @ 12:46 pm

  7. I said it last spring, but now I’ll wish for it: I’d like to be able to live sections of my life in a musical montage. That way I can get all the hard stuff done without actually suffering through it!

    Comment by kindle — December 23, 2003 @ 11:39 am

  8. Meredith: How would the “magic pot of mashed potatoes” be “magic,” exactly? Do you mean, like, bottomless, or just tasting really good?

    Karen: I think it was actually the spring before, when I was visiting you in Ireland, that you started discussing the montage concept. It’s a great idea, but while I hate to be Ebenezer Grinch, I have to say that I was looking for objects or products rather than abilities. Santa can’t give us super powers–only aliens or radiation can do that.

    Comment by Tom — December 23, 2003 @ 12:03 pm

  9. What I really want is a small device with a lazer inside that can translate the minute ridges of gel burned into plastic discs into music.

    Seriously, something I’ve wanted for a while are Gumby shoes. Not like WalMart sneeks (Your first time, Tom? I was there until 11:30 last night!) with a picture of Gumby on the side, but shoes that let you skate for an infinite duration without friction or innertia–all you have to do is put your other foot down, and you’re stopped. Imagine a blissful utopia where everyone can skate free of the oppressive hegemony (blah blah blah) of those two bitter sisters friction and innertia!

    Unfortunately, they wouldn’t let you enter books unless you stand on them. The books, I mean.

    Comment by Pat — December 23, 2003 @ 12:32 pm

  10. Did you ever read the book “The Magic Pasta Pot?” In third grade we did a play about it and made “pasta” by linking loops of paper together. Boy, that was fun.

    Okay, a real imaginary object. Umm.. a “get out my my way” device, which allows me easy passage through crowded hallways and busy streets. People will part like something which parts quite easily. Like wet hair.

    Comment by kindle — December 23, 2003 @ 4:54 pm

  11. I want the ability to fly, possibly with gosamar insect wings.

    Comment by AM — December 24, 2003 @ 1:17 pm

  12. So you’d want the gosamar wings, which in turn would give you the ability to fly.

    Comment by julie — December 28, 2003 @ 11:19 am

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