January 12, 2004

I must speak frankly, Mr. Shankly

Filed under: IMs — tomemos @ 10:41 pm

An IM conversation between Tom and Julie, Saturday, January 10:

T: So Karen sent me a call for submissions for a new comedy magazine.

J: Hey, cool.

T: Yeah, it is, but here’s something weird: I was reading the e-mail, thinking of what I could submit, and I came across this sentence: “No “onion-type” news parodies. Furthermore, if you think The Onion is actually funny, don’t bother submitting anything.”

T: I don’t know if I told you, but I actually do think The Onion is funny.

T: I’m still thinking of submitting, but it just strikes me as really asinine.

J: Wow.

J: Don’t bother submitting. I think that’s the mark of a really amateurish journal.

T: Right, like The Onion is some sort of mainstream, banal humor.

J: Can I see?

T: You’ll also notice it says I can “Receive additional national exposure to about 1 Million,” which strikes me as kind of batshit unlikely.

J: Phuh. I’ve come across these before — “Our new magazine is going to be the best in the world right from the start, so send us something and if we actually like it you’ll be famous!!!!!!

J: “But don’t bother sending us anything crappy because our standards are astronomical!!!!!!”

T: Right. “The fees are modest for now”–subtext, “but once we’re the new Mad Magazine, we’ll pay you in women and diamonds!”



  1. i want women and diamonds!!!!!!! i can wear one and make the other do my laundry!

    Comment by ariela — January 13, 2004 @ 10:28 am

  2. Diamond women… They can sex you up and cut glass at the same time (not responsible for grievous injuries suffered during glass-cutting sex).


    Comment by Brian — January 13, 2004 @ 7:12 pm

  3. Wait, you think The Onion is funny? Tom, I see now that our entire friendship has been a lie. I became friends with you thinking that you thought The Onion was NOT funny. Well, I’m glad the pretense has ended. Goodbye forever!

    Comment by Cimorene — January 14, 2004 @ 9:53 am

  4. ariela, the problem with your reasoning, though, is that diamonds just can’t do laundry.

    Comment by angel23 — January 16, 2004 @ 11:58 am

  5. Women do make nice coats. Skin so soft… it puts the lotion in the basket…

    Comment by kindle — January 16, 2004 @ 2:24 pm

RSS feed for comments on this post.

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.

Create a free website or blog at

%d bloggers like this: