October 1, 2006

Teach your children well

Filed under: Funny Stuff, IMs — tomemos @ 1:30 am

A conversation between Tom and Julie, 9/30/06:

T: Oh, by the way, the Jesus Camp in the film is called “Kids On Fire.” Seriously.
J: Ewwww!!!
T: Yeah. I don’t know whether liberals are smarter than conservatives, but we would never send our kids to a camp about being on fire.
J: Unless it was a stuntman camp. And in that case, no eight-year-olds.
T: We have time to discuss this later, but I don’t really want my kids going to stuntman camp. No member of my family has ever been a stuntman, and I don’t want to start now.
J: See, this is why you’re killing your family line. You’re living in the past.
J: You have to modernize!
T: First of all, I think it’s a little early to say I’m killing my family lineβ€”I’m getting married, aren’t I? Second of all, is the future really in stunt work? Third, do you think the way to ensure my line is to encourage my kids to get jobs leaping out of buildings?
J: Hells yeah!
J: Who do you want to carry on your name – a STUNTMAN or some stupid boring futz?
T: …um, I think you just called me, and all my male ancestors, “some stupid boring futz.”
J: You said it, not me.
T: Julie, you’re marrying me, so it’s important to understand: my family is weak-willed and unambitious.
J: Whereas the Glassmans are a proud and noble line. I can trace stuntmen in my family going back to the thirteenth century.
T: I’d like it if your family crest was a guy with a parachute and a black eye.
J: Actually it’s a guy on fire.
T: Is he running around and screaming, or standing there stoically?
J: He’s pretending to run around and scream. But he’s a stuntman so it’s not real. It’s hard to describe. You really have to see the crest to get the subtleties.
T: Well, I look forward to after the wedding, when I am allowed to see the crest in the ancestral Glassman home. And lit on fire.
J: Oh, that’ll happen during the ceremony.
J: You better be ready.
T: …like, without me knowing it?
T: I mean, I guess when you’re lit on fire, you know it.
J: You know now!
T: Right, but I don’t know exactly when.
J: I’ll nudge you or something.
T:Start saying under your breath, “fire fire fire”
T: “look alive”
J: Perfect. I’ll do that.
T: Do they sell asbestos tuxedos?
J: Well, someone should find out, shouldn’t he?



  1. Lollerz! I want to marry BOTH of you!

    Comment by Drew — October 1, 2006 @ 4:26 pm

  2. I feel I must agree with J. Stuntmen are excellent choices for carrying on family lines, as they are “cool” and thus get to procreate with many, many members of the opposite sex.

    Comment by alexis — October 2, 2006 @ 11:32 am

  3. I love you guys. Now GET A FREAKIN ROOM!

    Comment by kindle — October 4, 2006 @ 8:22 pm

  4. speaking as the only one here who actually has an offsrping, all children are born stuntmen/women and you are generally expected to train it out of them. my daughter would spend all day jumping off of things is she was allowed to. or if she could jump. πŸ™‚ but she settles for rolling around the floor as if she were on fire. so tom, … julie has already won.

    Comment by ariela — October 6, 2006 @ 9:02 pm

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