October 1, 2006

Teach your children well

Filed under: Funny Stuff, IMs — tomemos @ 1:30 am

A conversation between Tom and Julie, 9/30/06:

T: Oh, by the way, the Jesus Camp in the film is called “Kids On Fire.” Seriously.
J: Ewwww!!!
T: Yeah. I don’t know whether liberals are smarter than conservatives, but we would never send our kids to a camp about being on fire.
J: Unless it was a stuntman camp. And in that case, no eight-year-olds.
T: We have time to discuss this later, but I don’t really want my kids going to stuntman camp. No member of my family has ever been a stuntman, and I don’t want to start now.
J: See, this is why you’re killing your family line. You’re living in the past.
J: You have to modernize!
T: First of all, I think it’s a little early to say I’m killing my family line—I’m getting married, aren’t I? Second of all, is the future really in stunt work? Third, do you think the way to ensure my line is to encourage my kids to get jobs leaping out of buildings?
J: Hells yeah!
J: Who do you want to carry on your name – a STUNTMAN or some stupid boring futz?
T: …um, I think you just called me, and all my male ancestors, “some stupid boring futz.”
J: You said it, not me.
T: Julie, you’re marrying me, so it’s important to understand: my family is weak-willed and unambitious.
J: Whereas the Glassmans are a proud and noble line. I can trace stuntmen in my family going back to the thirteenth century.
T: I’d like it if your family crest was a guy with a parachute and a black eye.
J: Actually it’s a guy on fire.
T: Is he running around and screaming, or standing there stoically?
J: He’s pretending to run around and scream. But he’s a stuntman so it’s not real. It’s hard to describe. You really have to see the crest to get the subtleties.
T: Well, I look forward to after the wedding, when I am allowed to see the crest in the ancestral Glassman home. And lit on fire.
J: Oh, that’ll happen during the ceremony.
J: You better be ready.
T: …like, without me knowing it?
T: I mean, I guess when you’re lit on fire, you know it.
J: You know now!
T: Right, but I don’t know exactly when.
J: I’ll nudge you or something.
T:Start saying under your breath, “fire fire fire”
T: “look alive”
J: Perfect. I’ll do that.
T: Do they sell asbestos tuxedos?
J: Well, someone should find out, shouldn’t he?


September 26, 2005

On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?

Filed under: IMs — tomemos @ 11:49 am

It’s been too long since I recorded AN IM CONVERSATION BETWEEN TOM AND JULIE, 9/26/05:

T: Good news! There’s a bobcat warning here at Palo Verde!

J: WHOA! That’s awesome!

J: How many bobcats are in your apartment?

T: I’m only in a double, so just three.

J: Hmm. Not bad.

J: I have four tornados in my house.

T: “Do not crouch down or bend over: The bobcat surmises that a human standing is just not the right shape for cat’s prey. On the other hand a person squatting or bending over looks like a four-legged prey animal.”

T: One, can a bobcat really “surmise” anything? Maybe it “deduces”? Two, is it my fault that bobcats are too stupid to recognize a rabbit or whatever?

J: This gets better and better. Yes. I’m going to GET DOWN ON ALL FOURS if I see an animal that wants to bite me.

T: “I will learn from the bobcats! Live among them and be their brother!”

January 12, 2004

I must speak frankly, Mr. Shankly

Filed under: IMs — tomemos @ 10:41 pm

An IM conversation between Tom and Julie, Saturday, January 10:

T: So Karen sent me a call for submissions for a new comedy magazine.

J: Hey, cool.

T: Yeah, it is, but here’s something weird: I was reading the e-mail, thinking of what I could submit, and I came across this sentence: “No “onion-type” news parodies. Furthermore, if you think The Onion is actually funny, don’t bother submitting anything.”

T: I don’t know if I told you, but I actually do think The Onion is funny.

T: I’m still thinking of submitting, but it just strikes me as really asinine.

J: Wow.

J: Don’t bother submitting. I think that’s the mark of a really amateurish journal.

T: Right, like The Onion is some sort of mainstream, banal humor.

J: Can I see?

T: You’ll also notice it says I can “Receive additional national exposure to about 1 Million,” which strikes me as kind of batshit unlikely.

J: Phuh. I’ve come across these before — “Our new magazine is going to be the best in the world right from the start, so send us something and if we actually like it you’ll be famous!!!!!!

J: “But don’t bother sending us anything crappy because our standards are astronomical!!!!!!”

T: Right. “The fees are modest for now”–subtext, “but once we’re the new Mad Magazine, we’ll pay you in women and diamonds!”

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